This n that

As I start typing this I have nothing too exciting to blog about but we'll see if I end up there..lol.

I decided I am going to sell a few things of Craigslist to get Violet some more baby toys. Those things are damn spendy!! I remember when my son was a baby they had way cooler stuff that played lots of music and had lights. Now I know the idea is to get them to interact with something to help brain development but some of the play mats are pretty dull in my opinion. I want to get Violet the little light show music box crib toy I seen at Walmart. She loves looking at light for whatever reason and I know she'll love it! I thought about a Kickin Coaster but it looks like something she would grow out of pretty fast, plus it doesn't look like much more than a bouncy seat really.

I tried really hard this weekend to do more things with my Olivia but it's so hard to do much more than have her help me entertain Violet. She is almost 8 now so she entertains herself and pretty much does her own thing but I feel so bad and don't want her to feel left out. I know I am a way better Mom to Violet because of my age now and that in turn makes me feel so guilty for not being better to Olivia now even. I get so frustrated with her and I know why. Now I hope no one will think I am a horrible person but this is how I feel. Not that I am proud of it. (Well, here this entry turns into something after all)

I feel like Olivia and I would be closer and she wouldn't annoy me as much if she had been here and were here all the time. I would be used to her. She would have been primarily raised by me instead of her Dad and therefore better behaved. Instead I have to share her with her Dad who lives with his parents. His Mom has smoked around my kids since birth and talked badly about me in front of and to them. So any kind of good I do for Olivia's attitude is all undone each time she goes back to Dad. Teaching her that she has to behave a certain way when she is here isn't easy. Some things stick but most things don't. I get so tired of having to be a broken record with her. It's a never ending battle. I am firm and I follow through but then I feel bad because it feels like all I ever am able to do is discipline her and never praise her for being good. She is such a sweet kid with such a big heart.
I know I did do a little better this last weekend though. I told myself before she got here,: "It's not her fault she acts the way she does, it's the way she's been taught and allowed to act and being her Mom takes work...no matter how frustrated you get with her do not get angry and mean, stay calm and be good to her and you will get good from her in return."

I hate that I have to pep talk myself to be nice to my own daughter! I feel like such a horrible Mom. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way or if i'm just the mean old psycho that I feel like I am. Am I resentful to her because she reminds me of her Father? Is it just because she doesn't act the way I think she should? I know she's just a kid. I can't expect her to act like a grown up. I can tell myself all these logical things and then snap at her in five minutes. I was hoping that getting on the Zoloft would help my temper. Then again it hasn't been 2 weeks yet. I love her and I feel like if I don't get a handle on the way I talk to her soon, she will end up hating me and wanting nothing to do with me just like her brother. He is a totally different story though, he hasn't wanted anything to do with me since he was 4 and it wasn't because of my parenting..as far as i know. His Grandmother and Dad have alienated him from me over the years. I know I was young and not the BEST parent as far as selflessness and one on one time when he was little though. I was young, selfish and stupid. Maybe it is my fault. I know it's not entirely though. I have always been there for Olivia though and the difference with her has been that she's been raised in a stable two parent home with Chris and I. Her behavioral problems and the way I react to them is our only problem. I have to be better with her. I know what they would teach me in a parenting class and everything a shrink would tell me so those are out. No thanks. I just have to try harder.

Until next time...

One breath at a time!!