I'm only 31...and already a bitchy old lady.

But I feel like i'm 50! My body does at least. My mind is totally 26 though and always will be. ;p It seems like yesterday I gave birth to Olivia. August 7th 2002. I had a repeat c-section scheduled for the 10th but it was 102 outside and I was miserable with inconsistent contractions. I called up my Doc and said, "Look, you are going out of town this weekend and we both know good and well you're going to miss it if you don't just take her out now...because the last two times you went out of town they had to stop my labor!" So he told me that if I came to the hospital and gave him four good contractions on the monitor that he would do it today. Back then there wasn't a law that prevented them from doing it anytime they wanted after you were 37 wks and I was 36 wks and 4 days. She looked like a little glow worm all wrapped up when they brought her to me. All you could see were these two huge eyes set in a teeny tiny face peeking out of the blankets! Looking back I wish I would have waited a little longer. Olivia was only 6 lbs 3 oz and she had temp issues for the first few hours of her life :( I was so young and selfish!! Anywho, she's a healthy great little kid today. That's all that matters. I'm proud to say that she still tells me all the time that i'm the best Mommy and she loves me. She still kisses me on the lips, too. :) I will be so darn happy when I have full custody of her and her brother again though. I can't stand the way their Dad parents them and what he does around them. Compared to him I am parent of the century! lol! Most of you know of the situation the kids are in so I wont go into it here just in case.

Back to the age thing. Looking back at the way I looked just before I got pregnant with Violet, I look like a totally different person. I'm sure that sleep deprivation and a new baby ages you. No doubt. My older two slept through the night pretty much from day one. Violet likes her boob too much at least once a night. Oh well, I will miss every second of it when she's all done with nursing. I savor and cherish every second with her since she is my last. Unless we have an unexpected surprise that is. We truly can't afford another baby. Although we couldn't afford Violet and manage just fine now. So if I can be so close to Violet like this.. and love every second with her, then why can't I feel this way about Olivia? She won't be 8 forever and one day sooner than I'd like she will be a hateful teenager..and I will miss her being 8! I know I love her just as much as Violet. The fact of having to share her with her Dad and not being with her every second of every day like Violet and I probably has a lot to do with it. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. I want to feel close to Olivia again the way I did before. It feels like since she was about 5 we started growing apart. That is when she started school and wasn't around me as much. The asstard judge decided Olivia should go to school in the same town as her brother as to not split up the kids. Maybe more influence from her Dad that I despise, so she started acting like him? I am smart, and I know it is not her fault who her Father is, it's mine. She cannot help how or who she is. She is an innocent little girl. I just hate that it's so hard to be close with her anymore!! I do all the things to help regain that closeness that I know to do but it's just not working!? What is wrong with me?! PPD, depression, bipolar, Mom dying, new baby, anger over not having all my kids 24/7, a husband that works at a prison and hardly has any time for me, chronic back pain? Yeah, i guess that just about sums it up, but it still doesn't excuse any of the BS.

*Sigh*

Baby screaming in my face, can't think of a title..

*sigh* When am I going to finally get tired of being fat and do something about it? When am I going to stop using my bad back problems as an excuse to not exercise? Anyone can lose weight if they eat right and just MOVE unless they have an underlying health problem like a thyroid condition or something. Maybe I will lose the extra 20 lbs when I stop nursing Violet? I am so hungry all the time. I graze, but I don't always. Sometimes i'll go most of the day without eating because my pain medicine curbs my appetite. I know it sounds horrible but I hope that when I am done nursing Violet that my insurance will cover Topamax for my pain. Many of my female relatives that have nerve back pain like I do have been on it and lost weight, had no more pain and could eat whatever they wanted. Oh my gosh that sounds like Heaven!! Skinny, eat what I want and be pain free!!??? Ahhhhh yes!! Sign me up!! For now though, nursing Violet makes me so happy and outweighs my hatred of my poor self image. I am in so much pain all the time but I am shooting for breastfeeding her til she's 2 yrs old. If she'll let me and I can hang that long. Since my Mom died I have really depended on the chemicals the nursing releases in my brain to keep me sane on the days I wish I could call her instead of just shut down. I'm pretty fortunate to have such a large close knit group of amazing women online that I can call my friends. Because as we all know, most friends/ people suck, and they disappear once you get married and have kids. Speaking of kids.... mine is screaming at me so i'll have to cut this short...i'll blog more later!!

It's been awhile!

I never have any time to blog..if I have any time for the world wide web at all it's a few minutes to check my email, facebook and that's it! I don't think anyone really reads my blog anyway so I don't feel too bad, lol.

I am glad to say things have gotten somewhat better with my 8 yr old, Olivia. I still get pretty angry with her but now it's for different reasons. She is SO hormonal and bitchy now..so am I, though, so that's a great combo..lol. We clash pretty bad. My son and I have done a total 180 though! He comes over and stays weekends now and has stopped with the spoiled brat stuff, finally! I love that he "seems" to have changed and Violet just loves him so much, you can see it on her face when he comes around. He's a great big brother.

Since my Mom passed on Aug. 1st 2010, my life seems to be a constant blur day to day. I make sure to clean my kitchen at least every other day. Keep the house picked up, etc. I have a constant huge pile of clean clothes downstairs in the other family room. Hey, don't judge me! At least they're clean!! LOL! I cook alot more since we live in a town with only one semi-fast food place that's crazy expensive. No kidding, their burgers are good, but for $6!? Better have some 14k gold lettuce for that price! I just miss her so much. There have been many of those cry so hard I can't breathe moments and the moments one has where you think, "Oh, I can't wait to call Mom and tell her!" Then I remember, oh wait, I can't. :/

Violet figured out how to crawl up the stairs last week. She is getting her two top eye teeth in now, I can see the white just waiting to pop through! I so wish she would sleep through the night, in her OWN bed so Chris and I could sleep next to eachother again. He has to work though so until she sleeps through the night that's out. I'm tired of not having any friends in 'real life'. The ones I consider real friends are too busy with their lives and I understand that. I am a hermit and never want to go anywhere unless I have to either so I suppose I can't really bitch too much, haha. My problem is depression and chronic pain with my back..it makes it harder coupled with procrastination and fatigue from an 11 mo. old!

Well, I have to cut this short..teething baby, annoying mouthy 8 yr old, you know. I hate blogging when i'm grumpy and can't think or concentrate!