But I feel like i'm 50! My body does at least. My mind is totally 26 though and always will be. ;p It seems like yesterday I gave birth to Olivia. August 7th 2002. I had a repeat c-section scheduled for the 10th but it was 102 outside and I was miserable with inconsistent contractions. I called up my Doc and said, "Look, you are going out of town this weekend and we both know good and well you're going to miss it if you don't just take her out now...because the last two times you went out of town they had to stop my labor!" So he told me that if I came to the hospital and gave him four good contractions on the monitor that he would do it today. Back then there wasn't a law that prevented them from doing it anytime they wanted after you were 37 wks and I was 36 wks and 4 days. She looked like a little glow worm all wrapped up when they brought her to me. All you could see were these two huge eyes set in a teeny tiny face peeking out of the blankets! Looking back I wish I would have waited a little longer. Olivia was only 6 lbs 3 oz and she had temp issues for the first few hours of her life :( I was so young and selfish!! Anywho, she's a healthy great little kid today. That's all that matters. I'm proud to say that she still tells me all the time that i'm the best Mommy and she loves me. She still kisses me on the lips, too. :) I will be so darn happy when I have full custody of her and her brother again though. I can't stand the way their Dad parents them and what he does around them. Compared to him I am parent of the century! lol! Most of you know of the situation the kids are in so I wont go into it here just in case.
Back to the age thing. Looking back at the way I looked just before I got pregnant with Violet, I look like a totally different person. I'm sure that sleep deprivation and a new baby ages you. No doubt. My older two slept through the night pretty much from day one. Violet likes her boob too much at least once a night. Oh well, I will miss every second of it when she's all done with nursing. I savor and cherish every second with her since she is my last. Unless we have an unexpected surprise that is. We truly can't afford another baby. Although we couldn't afford Violet and manage just fine now. So if I can be so close to Violet like this.. and love every second with her, then why can't I feel this way about Olivia? She won't be 8 forever and one day sooner than I'd like she will be a hateful teenager..and I will miss her being 8! I know I love her just as much as Violet. The fact of having to share her with her Dad and not being with her every second of every day like Violet and I probably has a lot to do with it. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. I want to feel close to Olivia again the way I did before. It feels like since she was about 5 we started growing apart. That is when she started school and wasn't around me as much. The asstard judge decided Olivia should go to school in the same town as her brother as to not split up the kids. Maybe more influence from her Dad that I despise, so she started acting like him? I am smart, and I know it is not her fault who her Father is, it's mine. She cannot help how or who she is. She is an innocent little girl. I just hate that it's so hard to be close with her anymore!! I do all the things to help regain that closeness that I know to do but it's just not working!? What is wrong with me?! PPD, depression, bipolar, Mom dying, new baby, anger over not having all my kids 24/7, a husband that works at a prison and hardly has any time for me, chronic back pain? Yeah, i guess that just about sums it up, but it still doesn't excuse any of the BS.
*Sigh*
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