But I feel like i'm 50! My body does at least. My mind is totally 26 though and always will be. ;p It seems like yesterday I gave birth to Olivia. August 7th 2002. I had a repeat c-section scheduled for the 10th but it was 102 outside and I was miserable with inconsistent contractions. I called up my Doc and said, "Look, you are going out of town this weekend and we both know good and well you're going to miss it if you don't just take her out now...because the last two times you went out of town they had to stop my labor!" So he told me that if I came to the hospital and gave him four good contractions on the monitor that he would do it today. Back then there wasn't a law that prevented them from doing it anytime they wanted after you were 37 wks and I was 36 wks and 4 days. She looked like a little glow worm all wrapped up when they brought her to me. All you could see were these two huge eyes set in a teeny tiny face peeking out of the blankets! Looking back I wish I would have waited a little longer. Olivia was only 6 lbs 3 oz and she had temp issues for the first few hours of her life :( I was so young and selfish!! Anywho, she's a healthy great little kid today. That's all that matters. I'm proud to say that she still tells me all the time that i'm the best Mommy and she loves me. She still kisses me on the lips, too. :) I will be so darn happy when I have full custody of her and her brother again though. I can't stand the way their Dad parents them and what he does around them. Compared to him I am parent of the century! lol! Most of you know of the situation the kids are in so I wont go into it here just in case.
Back to the age thing. Looking back at the way I looked just before I got pregnant with Violet, I look like a totally different person. I'm sure that sleep deprivation and a new baby ages you. No doubt. My older two slept through the night pretty much from day one. Violet likes her boob too much at least once a night. Oh well, I will miss every second of it when she's all done with nursing. I savor and cherish every second with her since she is my last. Unless we have an unexpected surprise that is. We truly can't afford another baby. Although we couldn't afford Violet and manage just fine now. So if I can be so close to Violet like this.. and love every second with her, then why can't I feel this way about Olivia? She won't be 8 forever and one day sooner than I'd like she will be a hateful teenager..and I will miss her being 8! I know I love her just as much as Violet. The fact of having to share her with her Dad and not being with her every second of every day like Violet and I probably has a lot to do with it. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. I want to feel close to Olivia again the way I did before. It feels like since she was about 5 we started growing apart. That is when she started school and wasn't around me as much. The asstard judge decided Olivia should go to school in the same town as her brother as to not split up the kids. Maybe more influence from her Dad that I despise, so she started acting like him? I am smart, and I know it is not her fault who her Father is, it's mine. She cannot help how or who she is. She is an innocent little girl. I just hate that it's so hard to be close with her anymore!! I do all the things to help regain that closeness that I know to do but it's just not working!? What is wrong with me?! PPD, depression, bipolar, Mom dying, new baby, anger over not having all my kids 24/7, a husband that works at a prison and hardly has any time for me, chronic back pain? Yeah, i guess that just about sums it up, but it still doesn't excuse any of the BS.
*Sigh*
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Baby screaming in my face, can't think of a title..
*sigh* When am I going to finally get tired of being fat and do something about it? When am I going to stop using my bad back problems as an excuse to not exercise? Anyone can lose weight if they eat right and just MOVE unless they have an underlying health problem like a thyroid condition or something. Maybe I will lose the extra 20 lbs when I stop nursing Violet? I am so hungry all the time. I graze, but I don't always. Sometimes i'll go most of the day without eating because my pain medicine curbs my appetite. I know it sounds horrible but I hope that when I am done nursing Violet that my insurance will cover Topamax for my pain. Many of my female relatives that have nerve back pain like I do have been on it and lost weight, had no more pain and could eat whatever they wanted. Oh my gosh that sounds like Heaven!! Skinny, eat what I want and be pain free!!??? Ahhhhh yes!! Sign me up!! For now though, nursing Violet makes me so happy and outweighs my hatred of my poor self image. I am in so much pain all the time but I am shooting for breastfeeding her til she's 2 yrs old. If she'll let me and I can hang that long. Since my Mom died I have really depended on the chemicals the nursing releases in my brain to keep me sane on the days I wish I could call her instead of just shut down. I'm pretty fortunate to have such a large close knit group of amazing women online that I can call my friends. Because as we all know, most friends/ people suck, and they disappear once you get married and have kids. Speaking of kids.... mine is screaming at me so i'll have to cut this short...i'll blog more later!!
Friday, November 12, 2010
It's been awhile!
I never have any time to blog..if I have any time for the world wide web at all it's a few minutes to check my email, facebook and that's it! I don't think anyone really reads my blog anyway so I don't feel too bad, lol.
I am glad to say things have gotten somewhat better with my 8 yr old, Olivia. I still get pretty angry with her but now it's for different reasons. She is SO hormonal and bitchy now..so am I, though, so that's a great combo..lol. We clash pretty bad. My son and I have done a total 180 though! He comes over and stays weekends now and has stopped with the spoiled brat stuff, finally! I love that he "seems" to have changed and Violet just loves him so much, you can see it on her face when he comes around. He's a great big brother.
Since my Mom passed on Aug. 1st 2010, my life seems to be a constant blur day to day. I make sure to clean my kitchen at least every other day. Keep the house picked up, etc. I have a constant huge pile of clean clothes downstairs in the other family room. Hey, don't judge me! At least they're clean!! LOL! I cook alot more since we live in a town with only one semi-fast food place that's crazy expensive. No kidding, their burgers are good, but for $6!? Better have some 14k gold lettuce for that price! I just miss her so much. There have been many of those cry so hard I can't breathe moments and the moments one has where you think, "Oh, I can't wait to call Mom and tell her!" Then I remember, oh wait, I can't. :/
Violet figured out how to crawl up the stairs last week. She is getting her two top eye teeth in now, I can see the white just waiting to pop through! I so wish she would sleep through the night, in her OWN bed so Chris and I could sleep next to eachother again. He has to work though so until she sleeps through the night that's out. I'm tired of not having any friends in 'real life'. The ones I consider real friends are too busy with their lives and I understand that. I am a hermit and never want to go anywhere unless I have to either so I suppose I can't really bitch too much, haha. My problem is depression and chronic pain with my back..it makes it harder coupled with procrastination and fatigue from an 11 mo. old!
Well, I have to cut this short..teething baby, annoying mouthy 8 yr old, you know. I hate blogging when i'm grumpy and can't think or concentrate!
I am glad to say things have gotten somewhat better with my 8 yr old, Olivia. I still get pretty angry with her but now it's for different reasons. She is SO hormonal and bitchy now..so am I, though, so that's a great combo..lol. We clash pretty bad. My son and I have done a total 180 though! He comes over and stays weekends now and has stopped with the spoiled brat stuff, finally! I love that he "seems" to have changed and Violet just loves him so much, you can see it on her face when he comes around. He's a great big brother.
Since my Mom passed on Aug. 1st 2010, my life seems to be a constant blur day to day. I make sure to clean my kitchen at least every other day. Keep the house picked up, etc. I have a constant huge pile of clean clothes downstairs in the other family room. Hey, don't judge me! At least they're clean!! LOL! I cook alot more since we live in a town with only one semi-fast food place that's crazy expensive. No kidding, their burgers are good, but for $6!? Better have some 14k gold lettuce for that price! I just miss her so much. There have been many of those cry so hard I can't breathe moments and the moments one has where you think, "Oh, I can't wait to call Mom and tell her!" Then I remember, oh wait, I can't. :/
Violet figured out how to crawl up the stairs last week. She is getting her two top eye teeth in now, I can see the white just waiting to pop through! I so wish she would sleep through the night, in her OWN bed so Chris and I could sleep next to eachother again. He has to work though so until she sleeps through the night that's out. I'm tired of not having any friends in 'real life'. The ones I consider real friends are too busy with their lives and I understand that. I am a hermit and never want to go anywhere unless I have to either so I suppose I can't really bitch too much, haha. My problem is depression and chronic pain with my back..it makes it harder coupled with procrastination and fatigue from an 11 mo. old!
Well, I have to cut this short..teething baby, annoying mouthy 8 yr old, you know. I hate blogging when i'm grumpy and can't think or concentrate!
Monday, February 22, 2010
This n that
As I start typing this I have nothing too exciting to blog about but we'll see if I end up there..lol.
I decided I am going to sell a few things of Craigslist to get Violet some more baby toys. Those things are damn spendy!! I remember when my son was a baby they had way cooler stuff that played lots of music and had lights. Now I know the idea is to get them to interact with something to help brain development but some of the play mats are pretty dull in my opinion. I want to get Violet the little light show music box crib toy I seen at Walmart. She loves looking at light for whatever reason and I know she'll love it! I thought about a Kickin Coaster but it looks like something she would grow out of pretty fast, plus it doesn't look like much more than a bouncy seat really.
I tried really hard this weekend to do more things with my Olivia but it's so hard to do much more than have her help me entertain Violet. She is almost 8 now so she entertains herself and pretty much does her own thing but I feel so bad and don't want her to feel left out. I know I am a way better Mom to Violet because of my age now and that in turn makes me feel so guilty for not being better to Olivia now even. I get so frustrated with her and I know why. Now I hope no one will think I am a horrible person but this is how I feel. Not that I am proud of it. (Well, here this entry turns into something after all)
I feel like Olivia and I would be closer and she wouldn't annoy me as much if she had been here and were here all the time. I would be used to her. She would have been primarily raised by me instead of her Dad and therefore better behaved. Instead I have to share her with her Dad who lives with his parents. His Mom has smoked around my kids since birth and talked badly about me in front of and to them. So any kind of good I do for Olivia's attitude is all undone each time she goes back to Dad. Teaching her that she has to behave a certain way when she is here isn't easy. Some things stick but most things don't. I get so tired of having to be a broken record with her. It's a never ending battle. I am firm and I follow through but then I feel bad because it feels like all I ever am able to do is discipline her and never praise her for being good. She is such a sweet kid with such a big heart.
I know I did do a little better this last weekend though. I told myself before she got here,: "It's not her fault she acts the way she does, it's the way she's been taught and allowed to act and being her Mom takes work...no matter how frustrated you get with her do not get angry and mean, stay calm and be good to her and you will get good from her in return."
I hate that I have to pep talk myself to be nice to my own daughter! I feel like such a horrible Mom. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way or if i'm just the mean old psycho that I feel like I am. Am I resentful to her because she reminds me of her Father? Is it just because she doesn't act the way I think she should? I know she's just a kid. I can't expect her to act like a grown up. I can tell myself all these logical things and then snap at her in five minutes. I was hoping that getting on the Zoloft would help my temper. Then again it hasn't been 2 weeks yet. I love her and I feel like if I don't get a handle on the way I talk to her soon, she will end up hating me and wanting nothing to do with me just like her brother. He is a totally different story though, he hasn't wanted anything to do with me since he was 4 and it wasn't because of my parenting..as far as i know. His Grandmother and Dad have alienated him from me over the years. I know I was young and not the BEST parent as far as selflessness and one on one time when he was little though. I was young, selfish and stupid. Maybe it is my fault. I know it's not entirely though. I have always been there for Olivia though and the difference with her has been that she's been raised in a stable two parent home with Chris and I. Her behavioral problems and the way I react to them is our only problem. I have to be better with her. I know what they would teach me in a parenting class and everything a shrink would tell me so those are out. No thanks. I just have to try harder.
Until next time...
One breath at a time!!
I decided I am going to sell a few things of Craigslist to get Violet some more baby toys. Those things are damn spendy!! I remember when my son was a baby they had way cooler stuff that played lots of music and had lights. Now I know the idea is to get them to interact with something to help brain development but some of the play mats are pretty dull in my opinion. I want to get Violet the little light show music box crib toy I seen at Walmart. She loves looking at light for whatever reason and I know she'll love it! I thought about a Kickin Coaster but it looks like something she would grow out of pretty fast, plus it doesn't look like much more than a bouncy seat really.
I tried really hard this weekend to do more things with my Olivia but it's so hard to do much more than have her help me entertain Violet. She is almost 8 now so she entertains herself and pretty much does her own thing but I feel so bad and don't want her to feel left out. I know I am a way better Mom to Violet because of my age now and that in turn makes me feel so guilty for not being better to Olivia now even. I get so frustrated with her and I know why. Now I hope no one will think I am a horrible person but this is how I feel. Not that I am proud of it. (Well, here this entry turns into something after all)
I feel like Olivia and I would be closer and she wouldn't annoy me as much if she had been here and were here all the time. I would be used to her. She would have been primarily raised by me instead of her Dad and therefore better behaved. Instead I have to share her with her Dad who lives with his parents. His Mom has smoked around my kids since birth and talked badly about me in front of and to them. So any kind of good I do for Olivia's attitude is all undone each time she goes back to Dad. Teaching her that she has to behave a certain way when she is here isn't easy. Some things stick but most things don't. I get so tired of having to be a broken record with her. It's a never ending battle. I am firm and I follow through but then I feel bad because it feels like all I ever am able to do is discipline her and never praise her for being good. She is such a sweet kid with such a big heart.
I know I did do a little better this last weekend though. I told myself before she got here,: "It's not her fault she acts the way she does, it's the way she's been taught and allowed to act and being her Mom takes work...no matter how frustrated you get with her do not get angry and mean, stay calm and be good to her and you will get good from her in return."
I hate that I have to pep talk myself to be nice to my own daughter! I feel like such a horrible Mom. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way or if i'm just the mean old psycho that I feel like I am. Am I resentful to her because she reminds me of her Father? Is it just because she doesn't act the way I think she should? I know she's just a kid. I can't expect her to act like a grown up. I can tell myself all these logical things and then snap at her in five minutes. I was hoping that getting on the Zoloft would help my temper. Then again it hasn't been 2 weeks yet. I love her and I feel like if I don't get a handle on the way I talk to her soon, she will end up hating me and wanting nothing to do with me just like her brother. He is a totally different story though, he hasn't wanted anything to do with me since he was 4 and it wasn't because of my parenting..as far as i know. His Grandmother and Dad have alienated him from me over the years. I know I was young and not the BEST parent as far as selflessness and one on one time when he was little though. I was young, selfish and stupid. Maybe it is my fault. I know it's not entirely though. I have always been there for Olivia though and the difference with her has been that she's been raised in a stable two parent home with Chris and I. Her behavioral problems and the way I react to them is our only problem. I have to be better with her. I know what they would teach me in a parenting class and everything a shrink would tell me so those are out. No thanks. I just have to try harder.
Until next time...
One breath at a time!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Stupid people
Now I don't claim to be perfect by any means but no matter what the custody status is of my two older children, at least they are well taken care of. I have to share them with their Father, crappy of a situation that he lives in as it may be, that is not in my control. He lives with his parents. Does not work and I have tried numerous times to get full custody but in the state of Oregon the parent has to be down right raunchy to lose custody completely.
Today my 16 yr old niece pissed me off. She and her 8 mo old baby's sperm donor are a off and on again thing and today, they are on again.She's supposedly going to marry him. He wanted nothing more than what's between her legs when he got her pregnant and nothing has changed. He's your typical dead beat teen Dad. Ashley has used my sister (her mother) over and over again.She lived with her while she was pregnant, and had the baby. My sister paid for EVERYTHING.......then she high tailed it back to TX. Nice huh? This time, at the last minute, after my sister bought a non-refundable plane ticket to fly her BACK to WA. Ashley decides she's gonna marry Daddy Douche Bag. My other niece (her sister) that she was living with kicked her out of her home and made her move back in with her Dad once she found out she was planning on marrying stupid. She wants nothing to do with her if she's going to screw up her life and she's not a fan of being used by Ashley either. She had to remind Ashley all the time to feed and bathe that baby. Told me today how when she was bagging up Ashley's things that the baby's sheets smelled like piss!!
To the point. I too, have been there for this little brat and what does she do? Tonight I had my Myspace status stating: Some people just should not be parents.....if you can even call them that. Little cuntface left a comment saying, "I hope you're not talking about me, you have no room to talk look where your kids are." Does she have a guily conscience or what????? Who says I was speaking about her?
Fuck you, you stupid little retarded fucking whore.
I wish I could be grown up about this but when someone uses my children to attack me I want to draw blood. I know she's just a stupid little girl that thinks she has the world all figured out and I needn't listen to her ignorance but damn it I'M PISSED.
Ahhh, okay, i feel better now. She will end up losing custody of her son, my nephew, my sister's grandson. It is sad. Though, then she will realize that karma has bit her in the ass for attacking me and looking down upon me for not having full custody of my two older children. One day she will either lose custody completely or she too will have to share custody with the sperm donor.
I hate people. I really really do. Why are people so mean and judgmental? Why can't people just take a step back for just a second and hold their tongues and realize that not everyone's situation is going to be their idea of perfect. Not everyone is dealt a fair hand in life and they don't know what the exact situation of a person is ever. Never enough to justify such harsh words,thoughts or actions of cruelty.
I always try to look at things in a different light. I don't like to judge or think my shit smells better than anyone else's. That's just not who I am. I don't like to brag and if I feel like I have bragged about something I get a sick feeling in my stomach. To me, bragging only makes you look pathetic and turns people off.
Now I realize I just contradicted myself and I may be guilty of judging my niece, but i'm just angry with her for mistreating my nephew, her sister,mother and myself. I guess we all have to learn the hard way and when we're young we think we know it all. She too will learn the hard way like the rest of us.
Life is short.
Life is unfair.
Until next time...
Take life one breath at a time.
Today my 16 yr old niece pissed me off. She and her 8 mo old baby's sperm donor are a off and on again thing and today, they are on again.She's supposedly going to marry him. He wanted nothing more than what's between her legs when he got her pregnant and nothing has changed. He's your typical dead beat teen Dad. Ashley has used my sister (her mother) over and over again.She lived with her while she was pregnant, and had the baby. My sister paid for EVERYTHING.......then she high tailed it back to TX. Nice huh? This time, at the last minute, after my sister bought a non-refundable plane ticket to fly her BACK to WA. Ashley decides she's gonna marry Daddy Douche Bag. My other niece (her sister) that she was living with kicked her out of her home and made her move back in with her Dad once she found out she was planning on marrying stupid. She wants nothing to do with her if she's going to screw up her life and she's not a fan of being used by Ashley either. She had to remind Ashley all the time to feed and bathe that baby. Told me today how when she was bagging up Ashley's things that the baby's sheets smelled like piss!!
To the point. I too, have been there for this little brat and what does she do? Tonight I had my Myspace status stating: Some people just should not be parents.....if you can even call them that. Little cuntface left a comment saying, "I hope you're not talking about me, you have no room to talk look where your kids are." Does she have a guily conscience or what????? Who says I was speaking about her?
Fuck you, you stupid little retarded fucking whore.
I wish I could be grown up about this but when someone uses my children to attack me I want to draw blood. I know she's just a stupid little girl that thinks she has the world all figured out and I needn't listen to her ignorance but damn it I'M PISSED.
Ahhh, okay, i feel better now. She will end up losing custody of her son, my nephew, my sister's grandson. It is sad. Though, then she will realize that karma has bit her in the ass for attacking me and looking down upon me for not having full custody of my two older children. One day she will either lose custody completely or she too will have to share custody with the sperm donor.
I hate people. I really really do. Why are people so mean and judgmental? Why can't people just take a step back for just a second and hold their tongues and realize that not everyone's situation is going to be their idea of perfect. Not everyone is dealt a fair hand in life and they don't know what the exact situation of a person is ever. Never enough to justify such harsh words,thoughts or actions of cruelty.
I always try to look at things in a different light. I don't like to judge or think my shit smells better than anyone else's. That's just not who I am. I don't like to brag and if I feel like I have bragged about something I get a sick feeling in my stomach. To me, bragging only makes you look pathetic and turns people off.
Now I realize I just contradicted myself and I may be guilty of judging my niece, but i'm just angry with her for mistreating my nephew, her sister,mother and myself. I guess we all have to learn the hard way and when we're young we think we know it all. She too will learn the hard way like the rest of us.
Life is short.
Life is unfair.
Until next time...
Take life one breath at a time.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A little about me. Very little.
I don't have much free time to blog but I thought I'd give it a shot since I don't keep a diary anymore, and I feel like it might be therapeutic for me.
I am a 30 yr old mother of 3. Ezra is my oldest, he's eleven. My second baby, Olivia, is seven. Then there's Frog Belly (Violet) she was born Dec. of 09 and is about two and a half months old now. I don't have my older children full time so it's nice to be able to be a full time stay at home Mama to Violet. This little girl saved my life, as did her Daddy. I quit smoking when I was about 6 wks pregnant with her and sure am glad I did. My Mom has terminal cancer from smoking and the women in our family are very much genetically predisposed to it if we smoke. So in a sense, Violet did save me. In more ways than just that though. Her smile brightens even the darkest of moments I can get into with feelings of guilt that I carry. Guilt that I will explain in later entries because at the moment I am in a pretty good mood and don't wish to ruin it..lol.
I am a couch potato. I'm not in the best of physical shape at the moment but am trying not to eat brownies more than once a month now...I look forward to my hot shower every day when my Husband finally gets out of bed and can take care of the baby. He works graveyard right now but will be working swing soon and I'm pretty excited about it. I have wanted us to go to church as a family for a long time now and now we can! I am really looking forward to putting Violet in a pretty little dress for her confirmation. In my belief when a baby is small the parents go in front of God and the church and promise to always try to set a good example for the child and raise them to know the Lord. Then when they are old enough to know right from wrong they are Baptised or whatever you wanna call it, I'm not Baptist. I'm non-denominational.
Anywho....
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years. About 15 to be exact. I refused to take anything during my pregnancies for it. I recently got back on something though and am feeling much better after only 5 days. I know they say it takes 2 wks or more but whatever, I feel better. I'm not a fan of how spacey it makes me though. My days seem kinda quick and foggy now but I kinda like that too. I just try to do my best to soak up every second of my baby as I can because I know one day soon she will be annoying and not as cuddly anymore..lol.
I forgot to mention the wonderful man I am married to. He's quirky, loving, sweet, strong, funny, grumpy, temperamental,serious, hard to read at times, stubborn and hard working. He loves me and all my mood swings. He may not like me at times but will always and forever love me to no end. He's made me a better person and I love myself a little more these days than I did before we met.
Well I should quit for now. I am going to attempt a shower before the wee one wakes from her evening nap.
Until next time.....
Take life one breath at a time.
I am a 30 yr old mother of 3. Ezra is my oldest, he's eleven. My second baby, Olivia, is seven. Then there's Frog Belly (Violet) she was born Dec. of 09 and is about two and a half months old now. I don't have my older children full time so it's nice to be able to be a full time stay at home Mama to Violet. This little girl saved my life, as did her Daddy. I quit smoking when I was about 6 wks pregnant with her and sure am glad I did. My Mom has terminal cancer from smoking and the women in our family are very much genetically predisposed to it if we smoke. So in a sense, Violet did save me. In more ways than just that though. Her smile brightens even the darkest of moments I can get into with feelings of guilt that I carry. Guilt that I will explain in later entries because at the moment I am in a pretty good mood and don't wish to ruin it..lol.
I am a couch potato. I'm not in the best of physical shape at the moment but am trying not to eat brownies more than once a month now...I look forward to my hot shower every day when my Husband finally gets out of bed and can take care of the baby. He works graveyard right now but will be working swing soon and I'm pretty excited about it. I have wanted us to go to church as a family for a long time now and now we can! I am really looking forward to putting Violet in a pretty little dress for her confirmation. In my belief when a baby is small the parents go in front of God and the church and promise to always try to set a good example for the child and raise them to know the Lord. Then when they are old enough to know right from wrong they are Baptised or whatever you wanna call it, I'm not Baptist. I'm non-denominational.
Anywho....
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years. About 15 to be exact. I refused to take anything during my pregnancies for it. I recently got back on something though and am feeling much better after only 5 days. I know they say it takes 2 wks or more but whatever, I feel better. I'm not a fan of how spacey it makes me though. My days seem kinda quick and foggy now but I kinda like that too. I just try to do my best to soak up every second of my baby as I can because I know one day soon she will be annoying and not as cuddly anymore..lol.
I forgot to mention the wonderful man I am married to. He's quirky, loving, sweet, strong, funny, grumpy, temperamental,serious, hard to read at times, stubborn and hard working. He loves me and all my mood swings. He may not like me at times but will always and forever love me to no end. He's made me a better person and I love myself a little more these days than I did before we met.
Well I should quit for now. I am going to attempt a shower before the wee one wakes from her evening nap.
Until next time.....
Take life one breath at a time.
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